Okay so I’m going to post something incredibly vulnerable in order to process and reach out to folks who might feel similarly.
My body has been going through some changes. I think. But more importantly, my perception of my body has been changing. These changes are not inherently good or bad, but considering some of them have been coming from a recent re-entry into dancing (something I REALLY LOVE) i’m gonna go ahead and say they're at least a reflection of a good thing.
From da beginning:
I have always identified as chubby. Although I was never read by the general world as “obese” (though I was mercilessly called “fat pig” at one point and made fun of for my weight a child), I WAS, without doubt, a “bigger” girl. I always had a visible tummy. I went through puberty early and had larger breasts (that the boys in my grade would draw my attention to) by the time I was eleven. I had to wear two sports bras in dance class and was often the biggest girl in the studio. I grew up thinking I could never be a professional dancer because of my body, and this contributed to me quitting dance consistently when I was 15. I was never comfortable naked.
I always tried to make my body smaller, thinner, less noticeable, less conspicuous. I went through various stages of EDND (eating disorder non-defined), and purged my food. I became good at justifying this by saying I felt “too full” and “sick” and I throwing up would make me feel better. Luckily, my ED was never severe enough to seek treatment. It did, however, leave me with LASTING body dysmorphia: I have never looked in the mirror and not hated my body.
Even though I did serious work every day these last couple years to dismiss and SHRED the fatphobic rhetoric I grew up with, I was being hypocritical; as I followed incredible body positive, fat, fashion bloggers, listened to Lizzo endlessly, and wrote awesome quotes on my mirror, I still wanted to be thinner.
CUT TO NOW:
A week ago I noticed something.
I’m not reading myself as fat anymore.
Of course, I still have that voice in the back of my head…I still (grossly, regretfully, guiltily) want to be thinner, fitter, whatever…. BUT my body has been changing. And my perceptions to it also…
I was at my biggest I’ve ever been at the beginning of the summer (I don't know how much I weighed because I stopped using a scale years ago). My breasts were a couple cup sizes bigger than I was used to, my stomach bulged in my pants, I was buying Large clothing and XL swimsuits and clothing.
Then, I was a raft guide this summer. Then, I started dancing in heels at the beginning of this year. Both these activities not only moved my body more than I was doing the previous year (when I was really depressed), but also forced me to see my body in different ways. Raft guiding forced me to view myself as a STRONG body, a body that could save others lives, a body that could give incredible experiences. Dancing in heels forced me to see my body as a SEXY body (something I’ve never really felt), a body that could turn someone on (heck, I could turn myself on!!!), a body that DONT NEED NO MAN.
And for the first time in my life, I’m realizing that the world…doesn’t read my short, pale, white, blonde-haired body as fat, or even, very big. This is a great slap in the face for my body dysmorphia, and incredibly important for my awareness of my privilege as a small plus sized lady.
However, thats not the vulnerable part of this post. The vulnerable part of this post is that I…almost miss seeing myself as a big girl, as chubby, as fat.
I am incredibly conflicted.
I know that even thinking of having a decision to view myself as fat or not is disgustingly privileged; Its also not a choice whether you’re perceived as fat or not.
But, these body changes, and more importantly, my perception of my body being “not-fat” is REALLY hard for me.
I’m realizing now that I have always been so connected to my chubbiness. I would say stuff like “I don’t skinny dip, I chunky dunk” and “Ooooo, my TUMMY” and “just a chubby gal like me” These were all attempts to love a part of myself I had forced to become ruthlessly aware of as a child. But, they were also attempts at finding identity. At finding community in other big girls. At finding solidarity with the other bigger girls in my dance classes.
And now, as I realize I’m not read as “fat” by the world, I feel shaken in that identity.
I don’t know the point of this post. Except to reflect on how I’m feeling, and reach out to others who might feel the same way. Body changes can be a good thing when they reflect a healthy part of your life, but also they can bring with them a loss of identity. And I’m working on finding where I fit in.
Please feel free to comment with thoughts, criticism, etc..
